Oh, I’m agonizing over that title; it’s always the boy. Am I pointing fingers? Am I blaming? It may sound like it, but that is not my intent. My intent is to speak truth and to call out what’s going on right before our eyes. The truth is… It IS always a boy. There’s no way around it. It’s politically incorrect and some would say, downright sexist, but before something can be dealt with, we need to be real and be willing to say the difficult things. It’s almost never a girl; herein lies a major key to begin to unravel one of the most common, yet heinous crimes in many nations today.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about the incomprehensible evil that is causing a segment of the male population to stand in public places and unleash multiple rounds of ammunition in a school or into a crowd, killing as many innocent bystanders as possible; whomever is in the way, including children. I’m talking about the violence, the hopelessness and even abandonment that has gripped the minds and actions of some young men, causing them to act out in a way that, dare I say, has become commonplace for them.

Yes, there are many factors at play here. We cannot blame just one thing alone. Sometimes there’s political stances involved, sometimes there’s not. But I believe now, we have reached a point of desperation. A few weeks ago, there were two mass shootings in one weekend; El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio. We must begin to address the factors involved. It is not enough simply to pray. Prayer is necessary; the beginning point and also the foundation for all that follows, but we must move now, into action. It is time to put action to our faith and begin to partner with God in the breaking of this evil scheme of the devil. As I have prayed around this issue, I believe that the Lord has shown me that a sense of abandonment is a large part of what’s fueling this behavior.

Indeed, right now, I call EVERY parent to action. Every parent and every adult on the face of this God loving planet has a part to play. Do you remember that phrase from days gone by? That phrase from the days that were simpler and recognized the power of community?

 It takes a village.

Yeah, that one. Remember that? There was GREAT wisdom there. It takes a village my friends, to raise children well and whole so they become competent members of society, making the contribution they were designed for. We cannot do this on our own. We must rely on each other to help, to advise, to come along side, to watch and to pray for one another. We must stop our prideful arrogance, believing and insisting on doing things our own way; not listening to anyone else or receiving what they have to offer. We must open ourselves up to others and the Godly wisdom they have and we must absolutely NOW, open ourselves up to God again and seek for His direction in this matter. So what’s the plan of action?

First, let’s realize that no parent ever thinks that their son would ever do such a thing; no parent would ever say, “I think my son might be the next mass shooter”. They may see and recognize that their son appears depressed or distant, disconnected, and angry at times, but never do they think that they would resort to such behavior. “They know better”; “Only a monster would do that and my son is NO monster.” Actually, you know what? It doesn’t take a monster.

It doesn’t take a monster. 

All it takes is an emotionally disturbed individual, overwhelmed with frustration, anger, rage, desperation, hopelessness and isolation; testosterone coursing through their veins, possibly an established pattern of venting their anger through violent video games resulting in desensitization, possibly drugs and finally, easy, legal access to a firearm. That’s it. That, right there, is a recipe for disaster. No parent expects it and every parent of every mass shooter is blindsided by it. So what’s my point? Let’s open our eyes and be proactive now before it happens in our own families and before scores more people are injured or killed. 

I am aware that some may think that this issue is all about gun laws but it’s not. Family and mental health have much more to do with it than anything else and it’s about time we talk about it. It has to stop. What is going wrong or what is missing for boys in their families and upbringing that makes them feel disconnected, angry, unloved and possibly unseen? Fathers? Support? Understanding? Security? A listening ear? Compassion? A safe place? Healthy boundaries? All of the above?

At the end of this past July, I found myself randomly reflecting on how different my daughter was from my boys, as we raised them through their teenage years. We have four children; one girl who is the oldest and three boys… One who is now 22 years old and twin boys who are 17. Our daughter experienced some stress and anxiety through high school, but was always very obvious about it and willing to talk; she was expressive and we never were in the complete dark about how she felt. When she was upset she drew deeper into relationship with us to find comfort.

Our boys have been and are different. Around puberty, they got quieter, less interactive, preferring to spend time by themselves in their bedrooms. They came home from school and when I asked how their day was, they said “boring” or “fine” and wouldn’t elaborate unless asked more specific questions. When they were stressed and anxious, they kept to themselves. They’re still quiet and if my husband or I don’t purposefully connect with them and encourage them to express themselves, they stay quiet. If they’re hurting, they suffer in silence. They don’t reach out so we must reach out to them. 

Disconnection is dangerous and eventually boys will look to something or someone else for comfort or use something to try and escape from the emotional stress; for some, this could be sports, which isn’t horrible, but it also could be something more damaging like violent video games or even drugs. Whatever it is, stress ends up being internalized and toxic emotions fester affecting their mental health.

Unfortunately, parents think that silence and disconnection are normal for boys and they just let it happen. Boys don’t want to talk and boys are not emotional; these are assumptions that parents make and frankly, we’re relieved to finally have some space to ourselves, but embracing the disconnect is a mistake. Boys are different from girls. Generally speaking, boys are more active, more aggressive, engage in high risk behavior and many times don’t think about the consequences of their actions. It’s all about the moment and the adrenaline in their veins. Boys are different than girls. The testosterone that floods their bodies at puberty causes physiological changes in their brain. They are not able to identify their feelings as quickly as a girl, but they are still emotional and spiritual beings.¹ Their hearts are just as big and tender, as the girls’. They are just as affected by neglect, rejection, bullying and trauma.

Not coincidentally, the weekend after I was reflecting on these things, the shootings in El Passo and Dayton happened.  I was angry and frustrated and frankly didn’t really want to put the same old “Praying for El Passo” or “Praying for Dayton” message on my social media feed; it felt trite and meaningless. Then, a few days later, I was on a conference call with a women’s group and our leader who lives near Dayton, told us how her son knew the shooter and that she and her community were really grieving. She needed prayer… And I was the one asked to pray for her on the call. This Canadian mom, who originally wanted to distance herself from it all, was asked to invest her heart into this issue once again. So out of love for my friend, I did. I haven’t been able to let it go since. 

We HAVE to DO something. Something NEEDS to change.

We have to love our boys better.

If I may, I’d like to present to you some action points for all of us to take.

1. Every person with breath in their lungs, stop assuming that you are not at least part of the solution. Get involved. Know your own children; know your neighbors, know your friend’s kids, know your kid’s friends, know the kids at your church. Become a mentor to a young person; especially those who don’t have two parent families. Become an adult sponsor for the youth group at your church. Share your heart and speak words of encouragement and healing to them. They need to know that they are loved, seen and heard and that their lives matter.
2. Cry out to God for wisdom, help and insight into things that are not obvious in the natural world and easily seen with our natural eyes. Recognize when God is giving us insight and stop disregarding the internal alarm bells. Some may balk at my statements in this article, but I am communicating this to you because I am compelled to speak by the Spirit of God.
3. Every parent… Establish a heart connection with your children when they are young; maintain a heart connection with them as they grow into adulthood… especially the boys who tend to become quiet in adolescence and tend to disconnect. A heart connection is one of mutual love, honor and respect; it’s a connection that truly believes in the love from the other person that is born through authenticity, understanding, compassion, empathy, time spent and appropriate expressions of love (physical touch, a hand on the shoulder, a hug, words of affirmation, praise and admitting when you’re wrong, sharing your heart). It’s a connection that is characterized by enduring and complete trust that the other person has their best interest at heart.
4. Find a good, Biblical church where there is support for families. Begin taking your children when they are young and make it part of your weekly routine. That way, when they reach adolescence, they will be connected with a good group of kids having good clean fun together. They will have support from youth pastors and leaders and you will also have support in parenting. Take advantage of prayer ministry if needed.
5. Maintain open lines of communication and honesty with your children. They need to know that you’re not going to freak out when they admit something to you and they need to know that you are being honest with them too; if you model this to them they are more likely to do it as well. Admit to them when you are wrong and ask for their forgiveness when you mess up. Children are more likely to do what you do, rather than do as they are told. As they grow, give them appropriate space to make their own age appropriate decisions. Don’t be controlling and over-bearing. Don’t make every interaction a lecture! Let them share their ideas with you. Don’t criticize them and don’t under any circumstances humiliate them in front of others. Know when to back off and when to interfere. Share your heart and your concern for them.
6. Be a good role model for your children. If you act out in anger and lack self control, they will do the same. Get help for your own needs and live Godly lives. Let your children see you read your Bible and pray. Pray over your children and bless them. Live what you preach. Adhere to the FULL counsel of God; not just the easy parts that don’t require sacrifice.
7. Maintain age appropriate boundaries. Be the parent (the one in charge) in your relationship with your children. Children need to be told no from time to time, when appropriate.
8. If your son withdraws, do not follow suit; do not withdraw from him. Respect his privacy and give him space, but do not withdraw and allow him to isolate. Pull him in gently but persistently. Remind him, he is loved and affirm who he is. Recognize when your son needs more help; beyond what you can give him and get it for him; prayer ministry, professional counselling, and if needed, medication.
9. Make time for family on a regular basis. Spend quality and quantity time together, even if it’s just being at home with them. There’s this lie I’ve heard that states, it’s only quality time that matters. Not true! Children need quantity time as well. Do whatever you can, to be home with your children as much as possible. Children need stability and need to feel safe.
10. Shield your boys from the culture of violence so pervasive in society, for as long as possible. Don’t allow them to watch violent movies and don’t allow them to play violent video games. Parents need to be diligent to police what they are playing and watching, at home and at the homes of friends.
11. Don’t allow computers in their bedrooms (or if you do, insist on an open door policy) and enforce the surrender of their cell phone at bedtime. Parents need to be parents again; set the rules and enforce them whether they like it or not. If you have nurtured a heart connection with your children in an attitude of love and respect from early on, they will be more apt to accept your rules and follow them. When establishing rules, allow them to have a say, but make sure you are the one with the final authority.
12. Finally, get some resources to help you make wise choices as parents. “Bringing Up Boys” by Dr. James Dobson, “Boundaries With Kids” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are both great resources. As well, “Have a New Kid by Friday” and “Have a New Teenager by Friday” by Dr. Kevin Leman are also good. As I find other good resources, I will pass the information on to you.

We all need to do our part in raising emotionally healthy boys and getting help for the ones who need it. Perhaps your boy(s) is/are still young and you can implement these strategies with success. That’s great. On the other hand, if your son is older and he is exhibiting anger and an unwillingness to open up to you, I would suggest humbling yourself and saying you’re sorry for however you may have hurt him in the past. I know that for some parents this can seem strange but at this point, compassion and understanding, recognizing their pain and exhibiting grace towards them is the only answer. Avoid lecturing them or criticizing them. If you’re not aware of anything that you may have done to hurt them, you can say something like, “I can see that you’re hurting, and I’m sorry that you’re in pain. I’d like to help if I can. I’m sorry if I’ve done something to hurt you. I’m sorry if I haven’t communicated my love to you very well. I DO love you. Please tell me what’s going on so we can talk about it.” As always, seek help from a professional when necessary.

I invite you to join the closed group on Facebook called Shaping the Hearts of Our Sons, so we can gather together as a village and pray for one another, ask questions, learn from one another and share our successes. It is vital now more than ever that we are effective at nurturing the emotional needs of our boys so that they can grow into men that love well, take responsibility, assert themselves appropriately, exercise compassion and forgiveness and empathize with others.

God bless and I hope to see you in the group.

¹Dobson, Dr. James. Bringing Up Boys. Carol Stream, Illinois: Tyndale Momentum, 2001.